Valentine's Day And Marriage | 5 Ways To Avoid Disappointment
I love this quote:
Marriage is a mosaic
you build with your spouse.
Millions of tiny moments that
create your love story.
Ahhh Valentines Day. The day that instead of celebrating the millions of tiny moments that have shaped our love story, it’s the day I place it under an unfair microscope. Every year it happens to me, but this year I have come prepared mentally for Valentine’s Day and thought I would share with you what i’m learning. I’ve realized that my thoughts can go crazy while scrolling through social media. While reading about all the sweet gestures of love, all of the sudden I will start to feel jealousy, resentment, and maybe a little bit of queasiness welling up inside of me (you know those posts i’m talking about, haha!) . If I don’t catch myself in these thoughts quickly, it can easily sour my mood for the rest of the day and even cause my thoughts to spiral downhill quickly. “ Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life,” Proverbs 4:23, NCV. So true. How quickly it is to forget all the best parts about my marriage when I start to compare it to others (my thoughts have power). So to avoid my thoughts spiraling downhill, and to keep my mind focused on truth, I’ve learned a few things that help me combat this holiday disappointment.
Communicate expectations
Really strong and healthy marriages are really strong and healthy because they communicate well. It is so easy to think that since you’ve been married for X amount of years, your spouse should know what you want for Valentine’s Day. But if you find yourself bummed out on Valentine’s Day, it’s time to start communicating expectations ahead of time. Set your spouse up for success! Don’t assume he can read your mind or catch your subtle hints. Be specific. Start the conversation off by asking: “How do you feel most loved by me on valentine’s day?” Then listen to what he says, and plan to do that! If Valentine’s Day isn’t a big deal for him, that is fine…but make sure you are clear how you feel about it too. For example:
“I would really feel loved on valentine’s day if…”
you planned a date for us and arranged childcare
we could get away and go to a hotel for a night
you gave me a card and some flowers (roses, tulips, hydrangeas…name your flower girl if you want to get really specific!)
we just skipped this hallmark holiday and did something awesome for our anniversary
you cooked dinner
Avoid the urge to criticize
Maybe you named the expectations and your husband still didn’t get it completely right. Avoid the urge to criticize his efforts. Criticizing your man is a quick way to shut him down and decrease his confidence in his ability to please you. Be gracious with your words.
Show love
One of my favorite things about Valentine’s Day is that it’s an opportunity to make it about showing others love. Involve your kids in showing love to others too. When you take the focus of this day off of yourself and put it on others it makes this holiday that much sweeter. Think about Valentine’s Day beyond just your relationship with your spouse and include (girlfriends, neighbors, teachers, kids friends, grandparents, nieces/nephews) whoever you think could use a little extra loving on!
Remember this day does not represent your whole love story
It is so easy to get caught up in measuring your relationship status off of this one day. However, marriage is made up of two imperfect humans . So if you end up in a fight on this day, don’t freak out. There are probably a million other couples doing the same thing, but will you see it on social media? No! Take a breath, we’ve all been there.
Write down your favorite things about your spouse
Last year I wrote in lipstick on the bathroom mirror everything I loved about my husband. Not only is this a fun exercise to really get you thinking about your spouse, but also to surprise your husband with. Sometimes we just need to be more mindful of the things that we really do love.
Another great way to do this is at bedtime before falling asleep, have you and your spouse tell each other one thing you love about them. Do this every night for the rest of February. Soon you will find yourself thinking about it during the day, so that you will have something fun to say at night. What a great way to get you thinking about the best in your person.